Changing Tides

One of my least favorite things about myself has got to be my ever-changing emotional state.

When you live with depression and anxiety – you can never really be sure when that under-tone of melancholy is going to rise to the surface and assault you.

I’ve learned the only way to get out on the other side of this is through being very patient with myself.

I have to constantly remind myself that it isn’t ALWAYS like this.

When you’re in the eye of the storm, I know it hurts so bad that you really cannot wrap your mind around the idea of you feeling any better.

It hurts so bad you can’t picture what happy used to feel like.

It hurts so bad that you’re unsure of all your choices, you’re filled with regret, and you convince yourself that you’re worst.

I know.

I’ve been there. I’ll be there again.

Once you get to a point in your life where you’re no longer using your sadness as a comfort thing – you’ll find the sorrow to be really annoying.

I don’t wrap myself up in it like I used to.

Instead, I spend my days shrugging it off until it hits its breaks and forces me to rear-end it.

Next thing you know, in the middle of folding laundry, I collapse to my knees and sob so hard, no sound comes out.

It’s been this way for as long as I can remember.

So I get it – I really do.

I can only say this:

Learning to give myself the time and space to really feel is so necessary for me to feel better.

I cannot keep dragging myself through my life without giving myself time to feel what I experience – what I have experienced in the past.

My method as an empath has been to ignore my emotion. It’s always been too much.

Let the record show – this isn’t the way to do it.

Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

Writing out how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking, however hurtful or embarrassing it may be, allows that thought and emotion to no longer swirl freely inside of me, but rather become a tangible thing that I can see. I can write it down, I can look at it, I can address it, and then I can decide whether or not I want to hold on to it or let it go.

I make it real. I take control of it.

Don’t keep thinking you can push your emotions around inside of you.

It’s like your mind is a litter box – if you just push the crap around, the crap keeps piling up in different places until there’s nowhere else for it to go and your cat starts crapping on the floor.

Don’t sob into your laundry; don’t let your cat crap on the floor.

Feel your feelings.

Be patient with yourself.

Write it down.

Make it real.

Let it live.

Let it go.

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